Free Will

I've been pondering about 'free will'. I have to say that to me right now in a way it looks a bit illusionary. I don't mean that I'm not responsible for my actions. And I know we are able to decide what to do, to change our mind and change our behavior, but when I look closely, all the ideas or impulses about what to do - they occur to me. Just like thoughts occur to me - I can't 'make' them. I can't tell myself 'Now I will find a new thought about...' and then force it. The more I'm trying, the more I get caught up in my personal thinking, the more of the same old thinking comes up. Sometimes I'm in a state of mind where I feel I can choose to let go, to fall into an open space and then often something new comes up. But sometimes all I can do is remember to not take my thinking too seriously... And it doesn't seem up to me to decide what state I'm in. What I can see is that by getting a deeper understanding of the principles I don't seem to get caught up so easily and so the 'ability to choose' is available more often. Like I notice more space inside, It all doesn't feel so constricted. But I can't 'make' Insights appear. And on a deeper level I sometimes wonder: what is there to choose from? It seems to me the only choice I have is the choice between either Love/Compassion/Understanding or Resistance/Fear for what is happening right now. Inside and outside of me. Sometimes I have this choice and sometimes I feel I don't. Because I'm caught up in a certain view of what's happening, a certain perspective. Depending on my level of understanding in that moment. Don't know if this makes sense for anyone. 😊 I guess for me this is an important topic because during the last years I used to feel guilty a lot about having 'created' a state of chronic pain for myself. So it's a relief for me, to let myself off the hook. To see that I always act from my present level of understanding. Until I see something new. I guess it's about being innocent. And about trusting in the bigger picture, to see that I'm always okay and well - no matter how much I temporarily get caught up in thoughts/habits etc. It seems to be a part of being human ❤️