I posted something yesterday about the credibility of thought.
What came up for me today, is that I am so very used to taking my experiencesfrom the past and projecting them onto my future.
The thing is: for some areas in the ‚outside world‘ it is very helpful. Like right now, I know what is expected of me when I go to the fitness studio (because of the corona situation). I learned
it during the last weeks, and so I act
accordingly, when I go their next time.
I also know where to find my favorite food in my favorite grocery store. That is helpful.
(I can get quite annoyed when they change everything 😄)
From what I can see, confusion and suffering arises, when I try to apply this to my inner world, my experience of whatever is happening in the moment.
Just because I enjoyed training last time, I won’t necessarily enjoy it this time.
Just because I was scared at the dentist last time, I won’t necessarily be this time.
As I heard Syd say somewhere: ‚2 plus 2 doesn’t make 4 in the inner world.‘
Experience is fluid and ever changing - but for my thinking about it, that tries to put it in a box, in a fixed state, which I can handle and rely on.
In a futile attempt, to make me feel safe.
What believing in this fixed ideas about me and my surroundings really does is it keeps me imprisoned. It keeps my attention away from THIS moment. From seeing what is right now. From listening to life.
To give an example of my recent experience:
As long as I believe in a certain story about my physical symptoms - and may it only be the story of ‚I have a chronic stress disease‘ - there are all kinds of ideas
and expectations connected with it.
For a while for me this showed in a lot of thinking:
aah, okay, a stress disease means to much ruminating, too much thinking, so it would be good to be in a peaceful state of mind. hmmm, I often feel peaceful, but then why
isn’t the pain gone? shouldn’t it go away after X amount of time?… and on and on.
But what I realized is, that it also shows in giving a lot of credibility to certain thoughts. It’s like even when I’m not ruminating, the beliefs just sit there and every thought that fits in
with them gets accepted as a truth. It isn’t seen as ‚just another thought‘.
It has more weight. And it feels like I’m caught up in a circle of a made-up logic in a made-up story.
Whereas in these moments, when I kind of ‚fall‘ into the NOW and somehow ALL the stories get surrendered for a teeny tiny second, it is a whole other world.
There isn’t any continuity. No ‚person‘, that suffered X amounts of years of chronic pain, that has tried this or that, that has dealt with it in a good or bad way… nothing of that.
Just aliveness. Being. And in this being-ness every kind of experience has its place. And its own beauty, its own wonder. There is place for everything.
Sadness, Joy, Love, Anger… without anything ‚on it‘ there is nothing wrong wit any of it.
Just knowing that this space is always available, no matter what the circumstances, that it’s always just a blink of an eye away, makes me feel safe.
And then I forget and feel scared again… but I remember, there was something there… ❤️
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