Seeing in love

When I first started learning about the 3P, the idea of experiencing pain and not be constantly thinking about it seemed impossible (maybe even ridiculous) to me. I couldn't imagine how that could work - after all I was reminded of it all the time. In other areas of my life it was easier for me to see that thought is fluid and changes on its own. But the evaluating of the pain and trying to figure it out (why is it there? is it better or worse than yesterday? what did I do that made it get worse? ....... ) seemed very constant and strong and not fluid at all.

But slowly slowly, during the last year, little changes started to happen. In the beginning I still tried to 'make it happen', to somehow control my thinking or convince myself intellectually that it would be a really good idea to stop thinking about it. But let me tell you - that doesnn't work... 
It's just more thinking on top of it all.

What I noticed over time, is that it isn't really the pain that makes it impossible not to be vigilant - it's my judgements about the pain. In being coached by Chana and listening to Syd I experienced more peace and quiet and I started to see my thinking more clearly.

I realized that I can be peaceful and fulfilled even while I'm in pain. I realized that I'm always doing the best I can - given the thinking that looks true to me. And I started to forgive myself and feel compassion for myself.

And 'suddenly' (it's many little steps for me, but somehow it still feels 'sudden' when something changes) it isn't so compelling to think about the pain anymore. There just isn't much to think about.

If it's there - okay. I just do what makes sense, on a very practical level. And I can still experience love and joy and whatever else. And when I'm in a really low mood and think the pain is really shitty, I realize 'I'm in a low mood. I would find anything shitty right now.'

If it isn't there - okay. I do whatever makes sense and I feel the way I feel. 

I realized that when I feel compelled to think about something, it's not because of the 'something' (whatever that might be in the given situation), it's because I believe my thinking - mostly to me it seems I believe a judgement (the thing shouldn't be there) and I believe the thought that I could somehow change it, if I just think hard enough...

So it all comes back to one of my favorite quotes by Dicken Bettinger (he might have been quoting Syd though, I'm not sure):

'The only problem that exists is getting caught up in thinking and believing it to be true.'

Syd talked a lot about 'seeing the perfection', or 'seeing in love', or 'seeing what is, instead of what isn't'. To me this means seeing without judgement. By seeing without judgement we are in peace with whatever is, and that's the space where all the happiness lies and where all the healing comes from.